Is it wrong to be happy?
I am happy with what i have. But everytime i will pull back and think back about what my family or others do not have.
I am happy that i have this wonderful husband. He’s funny, doesnt smoke, takes care of me.. Bla bla bla. But when i think about how happy i am, i’ll think about those friends who’s experiencing heart breaks or their partners dont love them as much or is fighting with their partners or being unhappy with their partners. So i’ll back down and thank god for my husband.
I feel happy When i look for egyptian cotton bedsheet set. I sleep on a king sized bed with quite an expensive mattress (to me) wrapped in egyptian cotton sheet at 1200 threadcount with fluffy comforter warming me when the air con is in full blast. And where do my parents and sister sleep? On mattresses on the floor. How can i remain happy that way?
I love my house. Its kinda big for two. And the cleaning is a chore. But i still love it. I live in an exec apartment and have a room for my wardrobe. A Games room. A Prayer room. 3 tvs. Abt 6 fans and 2 aircons. Built in oven which i do not know how to appreciate. Huge fridge that’s always empty. And my parents live in a 3 rm hdb flat with only 1 crt tv. My cousins dont even have a proper place to stay. My sister who loves baking dont have a proper oven to bake. So how can i be selfish and be happy while there are others who dont have what i have.
I get upset whenever i dont get to eat. At the same time, i rarely finish the food i buy and it’ll end up in the dustbin. And i get to know my cousins dont even have the money to eat at the places i eat at.
These things kept me on ground. In touch with my roots cause we werent rich. Once, our electricity was cut off..on my 18th bday. These things makes me appreciate god’s gifts to me. Makes me thankful for everything.
But i want to feel truly happy. Can my mind shut off others for a day?
Since young, i was told that i dont like the beach. Its true. Singapore’s beaches are dirty (to me). I was afraid to step on the sand for fear of stepping on something. And the waters. Oh my god!!! You cant see anything. So my dislike for the beaches is due to the fear of the unknown.
But because the beaches are where people wind down an have fun, my families have their gatherings there.
Oh.. The agony!!! I was miserable most times and didnt know what to do when i’m there. I cant say no to familygatherings ok. Cause we are a tight knit family. So i’ll be dragged each and every time.
I managed to escape when i grow older. Citing school and work obligations.
Its not tt i dont like the beach. I want to play at the beach an get myself a tan.
But i’m sorry singapore. I am a bit picky.
Then, one day, i saw this picture of a superbly beautiful beach. I looked at the footnote and it said ‘maldives’.
That’s when i went mad and told my then bf turned fiance turned hubby that we HAVE to go to Maldives for our honeymoon. A cancerian always gets what she wants.
And we went to maldives for our honeymoon. No matter if it cost us more than 800 sgd per day. It was a short stay, but no complaints (apart frm food). I totally loved it.
I got withdrawal symptom when we came back to sg. i missed maldives badly. So hubby tried to look for cheaper alternatives. And recently, we went to kuantan which is where cherating is. Everyone told me how beautiful cherating is. But sadly, its incomparable to maldives. I was disappointed.
Now, i’m looking for other places. I know of koh lipei, simpadan, kura-kura resort, berjaya redang.. Etc etc
But hubs cant take leave for the next 4 months. So i’ll wait patiently…
I cant let go. Who am i kidding?!
As a cancerian, we always get the things that we want. I,ve been getring what i want. But icant have a baby. I’m not blaming god. I’m just saying.
As a cancerian, we grow attached to things easily. I felt baby e when i was pregnant. Its like a mother’s instinct. When it was gone, i didnt feel any connection to it.
As a cancerian, we are very sensitive and emotional. Anything tt triggers memories of it, triggers the tears. And it’ll be non stop, only when i’m alone. We are also sensitive of other’s feelings. Thus i dont cry in front of people. I need to make them think that i’m fine. I dont want them to feel all awkward around me..
Everyday i ask God for something. Today, i ask him to give me the strength to accept his will…
I was emotionally and physically drained after the miscarriage. But decided to put a stop to it.
I try to force myself not to think abt it. But definitely there’ll be some trigger monents. For eg, the song with arms wide open and especially, when the baby bumper app send me an email supposedly regarding the process of my baby. This week’s supposed to be the week tt baby’s arms an legs will be jutting out.
But all is gone now. I went for my massage and the lady knocked some sense into me. Same like everyone else. They said that there maybe a silver lining to it. But somehow i believed her more.
My boss has been very kind to me. So i am trying my best to make him proud of me. But still, the harder i try, the more i will fail. So i’m taking things slow.
The short stabbing pain has reduced dramatically and the chills i get is not tt bad anymore.
My legs are still wobbly for sure. I seem to have lost some weight cause i couldnt eat when i was pregnant.
Also, i was asked to drink the 7 berries essence from brands. It comes in a pretty pink box and tt makes it swallowable. I’ve grown addicted to it cause aft i started drinking it, i kept burping and letting out gas and peeing. She said that my toxins will come out like that. I feel healthy. So when i miss one drink, i’ll be like oh shit!
I really felt much better than i was for the past 3 weeks.. I think my confinement should be over by now. During confinement, i cant do or eat most things.
Also, now, i’m really afraid to engage in any strenuous activities. So my dance games for kinect is not in use. Wth..
Tell them i was happy
And my heart is broken
All my scars are opened
Tell them what i hoped would be
Impossible….
Today we had the confirmation. My hcg level was dropping and i miscarried and idoc said that i dont need any procedure because it was still too early and its not me, its just tt it was too weak. Before tt i prepared so many qns for the doc.
But at tt pt of time, all i wanna do was just to get out of the room. Even after i left, while waiting for payment, i was already choking Trying to stop the tears. and we had to take the medicines. And while waiting, my tears were flowing but still controllable. The universe was trying to humour me. While we were paying, the cashier was fumbling with the stapler, dropping it and picking it up only to find out tt there’s not enough bullets. I was fighting back tears and when i saw him, tears just flowed so i had to get out of the pharmacy.
Before tt, i told husband. If its positive, we’ll immediately go to my mum’s place. If not, we go shopping. After the results, truth is, all i wanted to do was to curl up into a ball on my bed.
But i didnt want to worry anyone. So i met my mum and pretended i was fine. Had a great time with sya and che. But truth is, i just want them to think that i’m fine.
But i faltered when in the car. The tears cant stop flowing. But i had to pretend. We did lan gaming and ate at insaf.
The moment i reached home, the tears just flowed. The memories of the past week just whizzed through my brain and i remembered every single one of it.
I cant pretend that nothing happened. That i’m alright. Truth is, it hurts so much. I was blaming myself for expecting too much.
Husband asked if i wanna eat my medicine with plain water or coke or milo or bandung or juice. I declined everyone of them cause truth is, i dont feel like doing anything. Its like my life has been sucked out of me. But i know i’ve to move on cause i have a husband and a family and a job.
Dont get me wrong. I’m thankful to have him, my house, work, friends and family. But this disappointment is too great for me to handle.
Even looking at arsyad’s pic made me cry. Reminded me of my loss.
Pity my husband. I couldnt even look him in the eye. I just stared listlessly at our door, at the windows. At the walls. Everywhere except at him.
This may sound too dramatic to some considering that i’m only at most 5 weeks pregnant. But my brain worked fast. The moment i found out, that day itself i started doing research.
Found a good name, looked for hosptals, decided where to put the baby, where to get my stuffs, egyptian cotton bedsheet for baby. All things planned. So when i got the news, all hopes dashed.
I joked with some of them cause i didnt want them to worry. I told them that its ok and i can now concentrate on my holidays and bags. But truth is, nothing can fill this void in me.
On tuesday, what got me through the next day was a smll glimmer of hope that there’s a chance that baby’s still there.
But i know deep in my heart that its already gone. I didnt feel it anymore.
When i was pregnant i had tt feeling and i felt tt it was a girl. So i’m calling her baby e all the time. But on tuesday, the feeling was gone. It just disappeared.
Husband then gave me some
Prep talk. Kak bi also. Ruby, joyce, dj, my mum.. Everyone. But truth is, nothing can prepare me for this.
The truth is that i’m crushed and only god knows. I pray that no one, not even an enemy of mine, if i have any, will go through this. And i pray that god will give me the strength to put a front in front of everybody and to get me out of this grieving and mourning days and help me have my life back.
Truth is, i feel empty inside and if not for my husband and colleagues and friends, i would have sat at one corner of my room and curled myself up into a ball and cry my days away…
Of course i’m not.
But no one wants to hear a sob story.
My takeaway from this. The false positive or fail pregnancy test kit gave me some hope when i was at one of the lowest point in my life. Because of that, i had renewed energy in studying for my bcp test and going to work.
So now, i have to go back to saving up for my chanel and deciding when to wear my heels and gg overseas if there’s a chance.
My shortlived happiness. Haiz…
It was a rollercoaster emotional ride for me.
In the morning i had little sleep because i need to study for my BCP test. Thank god i passed. If not my effort all wasted.
And then since i had time, i decided to go to doc to confirm my pregnancy.z it turned out negative and since i’m bleeding too. He said he wont doubt me but will ask me to go to kkh.
So he gave me an mc and i went to kkh. All the while crying in the cab. I didnt ask husband to come. Because he’s working and with him around i’ll feel more vulnerable.
And so i reached kkh. I was attended to by i very nice nurse. This kakak said ‘maybe you already miscarried’ and i started crying. So embarrassing.
So she asked me to do the urine test. When i peed into the container, there were blood. And the nurse did the urine test in front of me and came out negative.
While waiting for them, lin came. So we chatted.
And then it’s my turn to go in. I saw the pt kit that they used. It turned to a positive.
The nurse then told me that it turned positive aft awhile and tt she forgot to inform me.
The doc said that she cant confirm what’s happening. Only a blood test will tell.
So it can either be i already miscarried or the zygote is placed wrongly or its too early to tell if i’m pregnant.
They took my blood test and will take again on thu. To compare the results.
At night, i have the worst menstrual cramps ever. The thing is i’m not even sure if i’m pregnant. So i didnt take panadols. And it got on for the rest of the night. I drank a little bit of coke to ease some of the pain away.
While husband laid asleep, i prayed to god saying that i’ll withstand the menstrual cramps pain for the next 9 months if he protects my baby.
But if there’s no baby, then let me be strong enough to handle the truth. Its easier said than done. Because the one feeling it is ‘me.
The question really remains. Was i really pregnant or did i miscarry.
Cant be tt the 3 pt kits i took was defective right.
This morning i just found out tt the blood test results were negative. They need to do another test tomorrow to confirm.
I was thinking what will i be doing now if i didnt know i was pregnant. I will still continue my unhealthy diet. Not taking folic acid which is important for my baby now. To avoid spinal bifida.
As a normal woman, i already lack if blood.. As i pregnant woman, i need more blood. Hope folic acid at twice a day is enough.
An if i didnt know i was pregnant, i’ll still be in a state of unhappiness and depression. Last week i was lethargic and tired everyday. I hated going to work. At the brink of quitting. I was just giving up because i was unhappy. I did things half heartedly at work. I was anxious and easily agitated. And if i didnt know i was pregnant, i’ll blame it on stress.
And the constant nauseousness. I’ll blame it on indigestion and of course i’ll continue taking paracetamol. Which is bad for baby.
And if i didnt know i was pregnant, i would have drank coffee to stay awake for my test today
Thank god my heart tergerak to take the test on friday. Talking about nothing better to do.
I’ve just finished eating now and wants to study. But feel nauseous. I hope god will be able to help me with my test later on.
I just need 70%!!!!
